Care News

Grief in Foster Care

by Nathalie Harding

28th September 2026

Lyrics often tell a story that we can’t write ourselves. One of these songs for me is from Australian singer, Dean Lewis, “How do I say goodbye?” that captures some of the heart and difficulty of grief. In this song, Lewis is writing about his father’s diagnosis of an aggressive form of cancer and the struggle to come to a place of acceptance. But it asks a question we all have to answer at some point, “How can I say goodbye to my loved one? How can I face into something I would never have chosen?”

In foster care, we have the incredible privilege of working with people who live with this uncertainty — and continue to say “yes” — everyday.

They face into what is largely described as ‘anticipatory grief’, that of a possible or impending loss. For short-term foster carers, this is always a part of the picture, even when the outcome is joyful — restoration to birth family or long-term placement with a foster family.

But sometimes, even the most well-meaning of us can compound a foster carer’s experience of grief:“I could never do what you do. I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye!” is such a common but misplaced offering of support. Our carers say the loss never gets easier, but it’s worth it for what they can give to a child, and what a child gives to them.

Our Clinical Care team suggest that one of the most helpful ways to support carers is to really see the grief. As David Kessler, (grief expert and author) suggests: “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint, but what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed ... to be fully present to the magnitude to their loss without trying to point out the silver lining”

We can help by asking, “What feels hardest about this right now?” and staying long enough to listen to the answer. We can offer concrete support, “What day works best for me to bring dinner / pick up the kids/ drop off some shopping?”

For our long-term foster families, often facing their own ambiguous loss (lack of a clear ending) or disenfranchised grief (denial of the right to grieve) by friends and family, there is a complexity to the experience. One of our long-term foster parents explains this:

“We keep coming back to the things we know are true about God and hold on to them; that he loves us, loves our children and has good plans and purposes for them.”

The biggest grief I feel is for my kids - their confusion, trauma and distress. This is what breaks me into a million pieces. We live in the grief of a fallen world where there are broken relationships. But we can entrust them to Him even when that seems hard.”At Anglicare, we know the Saviour who willingly enters into our grief. We know the work that is ours to do and the work that is uniquely for Jesus to heal. We are deeply grateful for the churches, donors and supporters who help surround foster families with prayer, encouragement and practical help. Through Foster Circles, churches are providing communities of hope - not only for the children who need safety, but for the families who open their hearts and homes to provide it.Our foster parent reminds us:We keep coming back to the things we know are true about God and hold on to them; that he loves us, loves our children and has good plans and purposes for them.’